But It Worked!
--Nerve Pills
S.Q. Lapius tore the
sheet from the typewriter and handed it to me. “Here Harry, a patient
interview.” Lapius would do this on occasion, reconstruct encounters he
had had during the day that he thought might prove of subsequent
interest. I started reading.
“May I help you?”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“What seems to be the
trouble?”
“I have a pain in my
chest. It radiates to my back.”
“You seem very nervous.”
“Of course I’m
nervous. I don’t like doctors.”
“How long have you been
nervous?”
“All my life.”
“I guess you were
delivered by a doctor.”
“I guess so.”
“You are fidgeting a
lot. Do you always do that?”
“Only since my divorce.”
“How long have you been
divorced?”
“Three years.”
“Did you get divorced
because you were so nervous? I mean did that contribute to the discord in
your home?”
“Possibly. Could
we hurry up? My husband is waiting for me.”
“The husband you just
divorced?”
“No, my new husband.”
“Well, of course we
can.”
“My other doctor said the
pain was due to pleurisy.”
“I am inclined to think
that this pain is due to a muscle spasm.”
“My other doctor had me
in the hospital for three weeks for pleurisy.”
“Possibly you had
pleurisy then.”
“Why would he
hospitalize me for muscle spasm.”
“I didn’t say he
hospitalized you for muscle spasm. I said that the present pain seems to
be a muscle spasm.”
“But it feels like the
same pain.”
“What would you like me
to do?”
“Treat the pain.”
“I will treat you for
muscle spasm.”
“Why don’t you just give
me the same pills my other doctor gave me?”
“What were they?”
“Nerve pills.”
“He gave you nerve pills
for pleurisy?”
“No. But they
worked. I think that you ought to treat me the way he treated me.
It worked.”
“Why don’t you go back
to your other doctor? He seems to know the case.”
“He is too far
away. We moved.”
“I will be glad to renew
the prescription you have.”
“Okay. But why do
you disagree with my doctor? He was one of the biggest doctors in
town.”
“How tall was he?”
“About 5’10”.”
“I am a bigger doctor
than he. I measure over six feet tall.”
“I mean he was very
smart. Why would he say I have pleurisy if I have a muscle spasm?”
“I don’t know why he
said that. Would you like me to treat you?”
“For what?”
“For the pain in your
chest.”
“Okay. But I want
to be treated for pleurisy, not for muscle spasm.”
“Well, suppose for a day
or so I just treat you with his tranquilizers? Then we will see how you
feel.”
“But he didn’t give me
tranquilizers. He gave me nerve pills.”
“Well, nerve pills is
another name for tranquilizers.”
“But I don’t need
tranquilizers. I have pain in my chest.”
“I’ll be glad to try to
help you but I really don’t know where to begin.”
“How is it that you
doctors all disagree on the same things all the time? Why can’t I get the
same answers for my pain? Why do you doctors all tell me something
different?”
“I don’t know why
doctors say one thing or another to you, my dear. Incidentally, do you
have a sample of the nerve pills your doctor gave you?”
“Sure I have.
Right here in my purse.”
“Might I see one of
them?”
“Sure, here. Hey,
what are you doing? They are my nerve pills. You just popped two of
them into your mouth.”
“Yes I did, didn’t I?”